Tackling Taboos And Busting Myths
By Debarati Chakraborty
Although there has been a rise in discussions around female sexuality, thanks to social media, much of vaginal orgasms is still shrouded in mystery. Since most of us grew up without any pleasure education, talking about sex still makes us squirmy and uncomfortable.
Owing to societal taboos, most adult Indians do not develop the ‘language of pleasure’ and fail to express their sexuality or understand that of their partner’s. Myths, hence, are normalised; and in a patriarchal society, where pleasure of a woman is frowned upon, these myths shroud all traces of logic when it comes to female sexuality or orgasms.
“Most Indians probably know more myths than facts when it comes to women and their sexuality. From not desiring physical intimacy to not experiencing orgasms without a male partner, it is time to bust these myths through education and dialogue,” says Intimacy Coach Pallavi Barnwal
Here are the top 5 myths around vaginal orgasms that we wish were already dead.
Penetrative Sex Leads To Vaginal Orgasms
It is believed that female orgasms depend only on penetration, which experts say is a myth. In fact, many vulva owners claim they do not experience orgasms during intercourse at all, but via clitoral stimulation, done manually or orally.
Although experts do not rule out orgasms during penetrative sex, they claim it is more common for women to experience orgasms if they are stimulated before the act. And that there is nothing wrong if one needs clitoral stimulus, through touching or use of vibrators.
Barnwal has had several clients who think sex is only about penetration. “One such person hardly gave time to his wife to feel aroused, yet he wondered why she couldn’t orgasm even after he had fulfilled his duty as a husband,” she says.
Another myth that accompanies the ‘penetration-dependent orgasm’ is that ‘bigger is better’. Women don’t necessarily need ‘a big package’ that ‘lasts for hours’ to experience an orgasm. In addition to clitoral stimulation, what could also work for consenting adults is anal or breast stimulation.
Consenting partners need not base their entire sexual experience on intercourse alone, as there is so much to explore, so much to enjoy.
Women Orgasm Better Without Protection
Another myth, which has been doing the rounds, conveniently bypasses the need of men to use protection: women experience better orgasms when men don’t use condoms.
While there is no evidence linking female orgasms to the use of condoms, it is no secret that a woman feels aroused when she doesn’t have to worry about STD and STI transmissions or unintended pregnancies.
For most women, orgasms are contingent to both her state of mind and physical needs. So, if she is stressed or anxious or distracted, stimulation will rarely help, and her partner will have achieved nothing with their ‘no condom’ buzzkill plan.
For consenting adults, the smart thing to do is to have a conversation on expectations and boundaries, which includes use of contraceptives, prior to any sexual act. When both the partners are on the same page, there is an increased level of trust, which lead to improved sexual experience.
It is time to stop believing that condom use decreases libido or interferes with sexual pleasure. Most condoms ensure comfort for both partners, who can also use lubricants (along with condoms) to enhance pleasurable sensations.
Let’s be honest, reducing unwanted risks is a turn-on, and condoms do exactly that!
Orgasms Are Purely Physical Phenomenon
It is commonly believed that a woman’s orgasms are physical manifestations that mainly exist for the benefit of the male partner. However, orgasms are as much mental as they are physical and is the woman’s mind if elsewhere, climaxing may prove elusive.
If the stress levels are high or if the woman is unhappy or anxious, it will have a direct impact on her sexual response. It is always helpful to find ways to relax and take her mind off stress-causing factors before you hit the sheets.
“There are so many levels of touch — affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic — that can help couples relax and initiate intimacy,” Barnwal says. Experts also suggest physical contact through hand-holding, hugs, massages or dancing together, to set the mood for a satisfying, fun evening.
Remember that sexual fulfilment is more than just experiencing orgasms. Instead of treating them as end goals, consenting couples should explore pleasuring each other through intimacy, kindness and respect.
Masturbation Ruins Orgasms With Partners
It is time to debunk this myth once and for all! Masturbation does not mess up a woman’s chances of climaxing when she’s with a partner. In fact, self-exploration helps her understand what kind of stimulation works best for her. That knowledge, when shared with her partner, can lead to adventurous lovemaking sessions and to orgasms.
Masturbation is normal, healthy and safe for anyone who chooses to do it and feels good about it. And when a woman orgasms by herself, it is just another normal variation of her sexuality, and there is nothing wrong with her.
Barnwal points out that for most Indian women, who have been conditioned to look down upon self-pleasure, masturbation is still a taboo. “We need to encourage women to explore themselves for a better understanding of their bodies,” she adds.
It’s always a good idea for a woman to help her partner understand what works for her and what doesn’t. And the more orgasms a woman experiences, the more she might want them and know better how to get there.
Many women might need some extra stimulus to orgasm and there is no shame in using sex toys. Introducing adult toys in the bedroom can be exciting if that’s what turns the woman on and keeps her satisfied. The use of toys doesn’t undermine the man’s role in sexual acts.
It Is Strange For Women To Not Orgasm
It is perfectly normal for women to not orgasm. Say that again!
There is nothing shameful if a woman doesn’t orgasm during every sexual activity, or if she doesn’t orgasm multiple times during lovemaking, or if she doesn’t orgasm at all for a long stretch of time. However, if this worries you as a partner, it is better to consult a gynaecologist instead of shaming or doubting her.
It is important to understand that vaginal orgasms can be of many types and that pleasure can vary from one body to another. “For both men and women, the understanding of orgasms is derived from porn or fiction. Women often tell me they don’t orgasm, but when I probe further there are no clear answers. Some feel they should be screaming and others expect intense sensations, without realising that climaxing may not always feel like this,” Barnwal says.
For women, orgasms depend on a host of physical, psychological and relationship issues, and they may have varying climaxing experiences across their sexual lifetime. They may experience inadequate lubrication, that affects orgasms, due to hormonal changes, pregnancies, menopause or use of birth control pills.
The act of vaginal penetration could also be painful for some women and it is best to consult a medical expert in such cases. Painful conditions like Vaginismus or Vulvodynia are more common than we acknowledge, and can be treated with the right medication, exercises and therapy.
Female orgasms should not be the ultimate goal, as sex can be enjoyed with or without them. The idea is to consider sexual acts a success when the woman feels safe, comfortable and aroused.
Remember that every woman is different and reacts differently to sexual activities. While some may achieve orgasms during intercourse, some may need stimulation. The best way to know what works for a woman is to communicate, explore through mutual intimacy, pay attention to her body language and ask her about her preferences.
Awesome info… This should reach more people to bust the myths!
New and sensitive info